February182014
I cannot sleep. I just had 10 glorious days off from work, most of which I slept as long and as often as my child would allow…but of course, tonight…the night before I have to return to work…my mind will not allow my body any sort of rest… Yesterday, after weeks of not being able to rid myself of the extra weight I have acquired since summer, I began a juicing detox. I highly DO NOT recommend this. I had zero energy all day long, and I so looked forward to the moment my head could hit my pillow, but…I maybe got in 3 hours before my body woke me up, needing to pee (side-effect from only having liquids ALL DAY). At that point, sleep was lost. My body realized that it was STARVING, and my brain would not turn off…
Alas, here I am…waiting for my steel cut Irish oats to finish cooking. I’ve decided to allow myself one “meal” in the morning before detoxing the rest of the day. The plan suggest eating one small meal at night, but my body is always most hungry upon waking. The plan suggest whole foods only and mostly fruits or vegetables. I know Irish oats do not fall into this category, but they are whole grain…not processed…organic…and will sustain me for a long period of time. Besides, I do not think juicing is the right path for me… At this point, I’m only doing it so as not to waste the money, time, and produce that I used to make all the juices…
This is why I stress: I weighed 94lbs on the day that I found out I was pregnant. Full term, right before I popped, I weight 126lbs. Upon leaving the hospital, with some extra belly and a lot of extra boob, I weight 113lbs. Since then, I’ve made it back to 97lbs on two occasions, but never back to 94lbs. Generally, I stay right around 100lbs, but I am now 110…without the lactating breasts to account for it… I am a VERY SMALL girl. The difference between 100lbs and 110lbs on my frame is SIGNIFICANT! I feel like a blimp. And no matter what I do, those 10 pounds won’t seem to go away. I diet. I exercise. I take weight loss supplements. Those 10 pounds won’t move. I don’t want to get too extreme or harm my body, but with all the other stress in my life, the last thing I need is to stress about my body as well.
I didn’t used to have this problem. I even used to be able to eat out a couple times a week and not gain an ounce. But now I am a prisoner to my own refrigerator. I keep it stocked with healthy choices, but I suppose there have been too many nights in recent past where I find the only box of cereal in the house and eat 3 bowls before I’m satisfied. I thought I was making better progress with the new workout routine I started, but I stepped on the scale last night only to discover that the 10 pounds were still there.
I’m not fat. I know that. But I feel fat. I hate myself every time I put on real clothes. Spending this last week in nothing but PJs and workout clothes was amazing. I am dreading having to put on my work pants almost as much as I’m dreading going back to work in general. I just want to see that 94 on the scale again…and I don’t want to be anorexic or bulimic for that to happen…but I don’t want to buy new clothes, either…I need help.

I cannot sleep. I just had 10 glorious days off from work, most of which I slept as long and as often as my child would allow…but of course, tonight…the night before I have to return to work…my mind will not allow my body any sort of rest… Yesterday, after weeks of not being able to rid myself of the extra weight I have acquired since summer, I began a juicing detox. I highly DO NOT recommend this. I had zero energy all day long, and I so looked forward to the moment my head could hit my pillow, but…I maybe got in 3 hours before my body woke me up, needing to pee (side-effect from only having liquids ALL DAY). At that point, sleep was lost. My body realized that it was STARVING, and my brain would not turn off…

Alas, here I am…waiting for my steel cut Irish oats to finish cooking. I’ve decided to allow myself one “meal” in the morning before detoxing the rest of the day. The plan suggest eating one small meal at night, but my body is always most hungry upon waking. The plan suggest whole foods only and mostly fruits or vegetables. I know Irish oats do not fall into this category, but they are whole grain…not processed…organic…and will sustain me for a long period of time. Besides, I do not think juicing is the right path for me… At this point, I’m only doing it so as not to waste the money, time, and produce that I used to make all the juices…

This is why I stress: I weighed 94lbs on the day that I found out I was pregnant. Full term, right before I popped, I weight 126lbs. Upon leaving the hospital, with some extra belly and a lot of extra boob, I weight 113lbs. Since then, I’ve made it back to 97lbs on two occasions, but never back to 94lbs. Generally, I stay right around 100lbs, but I am now 110…without the lactating breasts to account for it… I am a VERY SMALL girl. The difference between 100lbs and 110lbs on my frame is SIGNIFICANT! I feel like a blimp. And no matter what I do, those 10 pounds won’t seem to go away. I diet. I exercise. I take weight loss supplements. Those 10 pounds won’t move. I don’t want to get too extreme or harm my body, but with all the other stress in my life, the last thing I need is to stress about my body as well.

I didn’t used to have this problem. I even used to be able to eat out a couple times a week and not gain an ounce. But now I am a prisoner to my own refrigerator. I keep it stocked with healthy choices, but I suppose there have been too many nights in recent past where I find the only box of cereal in the house and eat 3 bowls before I’m satisfied. I thought I was making better progress with the new workout routine I started, but I stepped on the scale last night only to discover that the 10 pounds were still there.

I’m not fat. I know that. But I feel fat. I hate myself every time I put on real clothes. Spending this last week in nothing but PJs and workout clothes was amazing. I am dreading having to put on my work pants almost as much as I’m dreading going back to work in general. I just want to see that 94 on the scale again…and I don’t want to be anorexic or bulimic for that to happen…but I don’t want to buy new clothes, either…I need help.

February152014
lostmyselfinthedarkness:

Can anyone else relate?

I still push everyone away. I don’t know if it will ever be worth it again…opening up…

lostmyselfinthedarkness:

Can anyone else relate?

I still push everyone away. I don’t know if it will ever be worth it again…opening up…

(via iwmadifference)

February142014
3PM
Happy fucking Valentine’s Day.

Happy fucking Valentine’s Day.

February102014
To all married/taken men who think that it’s okay to exert any amount of energy into asking me out: if you spent even half of that energy working on the relationship you have already, you might JUST MAYBE end up being a faithful, worthwhile partner. Asking to come over because you saw a post I had a while back about needing a massage, and proclaiming you should be the one to render such a service would NOT, I repeat, WOULD NOT be okay with your wife. Oh, you had a fight? No, I do NOT have a spare sofa on which you can crash for the evening! I know what you’re doing. I know you’re playing out the scenario in your head. We’ve been “good friends” for a while and you are “unhappy in your relationship” and you think I’m going to take pity on you and provide some sort of respite. And somewhere in your fucked up little head, you think this little scenario will have a “happy ending.” If I didn’t hate drama so fucking much, I would have half a mind to show your wife all the texts you send me. She deserves to know what kind of scum she is married to. GET THE POINT: When I don’t reply to your messages, stop sending them! Don’t keep sending winky faces like I’m going to think you are cute! YOU ARE NOT CUTE! YOU ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH! Seriously, stop. When you tell me I’m beautiful and everything you’ve ever wanted in a woman, you’re not being sincere. You’re looking for a goddamn ego boost because you think I’m going to tell you that you’re a great guy and your wife should pay you more attention. NEWS FLASH: YOU SUCK! I hope she fucking catches your cheating ass and takes you for all that you are worth. Which, granted, isn’t much, but… She deserves better, and so do I, goddamnit!!!!!!!

To all married/taken men who think that it’s okay to exert any amount of energy into asking me out: if you spent even half of that energy working on the relationship you have already, you might JUST MAYBE end up being a faithful, worthwhile partner. Asking to come over because you saw a post I had a while back about needing a massage, and proclaiming you should be the one to render such a service would NOT, I repeat, WOULD NOT be okay with your wife. Oh, you had a fight? No, I do NOT have a spare sofa on which you can crash for the evening! I know what you’re doing. I know you’re playing out the scenario in your head. We’ve been “good friends” for a while and you are “unhappy in your relationship” and you think I’m going to take pity on you and provide some sort of respite. And somewhere in your fucked up little head, you think this little scenario will have a “happy ending.” If I didn’t hate drama so fucking much, I would have half a mind to show your wife all the texts you send me. She deserves to know what kind of scum she is married to. GET THE POINT: When I don’t reply to your messages, stop sending them! Don’t keep sending winky faces like I’m going to think you are cute! YOU ARE NOT CUTE! YOU ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH! Seriously, stop. When you tell me I’m beautiful and everything you’ve ever wanted in a woman, you’re not being sincere. You’re looking for a goddamn ego boost because you think I’m going to tell you that you’re a great guy and your wife should pay you more attention. NEWS FLASH: YOU SUCK! I hope she fucking catches your cheating ass and takes you for all that you are worth. Which, granted, isn’t much, but… She deserves better, and so do I, goddamnit!!!!!!!

February92014
Had another dream about Honus last night… This time an incredibly sexy one… I’ll spare you the details, but it felt so real that I was surprised he wasn’t naked in my bed when I woke up…to the sound of a huge frozen tree branch breaking off one of the trees in my back yard… Damn this winter storm. I would have liked very much to…um…finish….the dream, I mean.

Had another dream about Honus last night… This time an incredibly sexy one… I’ll spare you the details, but it felt so real that I was surprised he wasn’t naked in my bed when I woke up…to the sound of a huge frozen tree branch breaking off one of the trees in my back yard… Damn this winter storm. I would have liked very much to…um…finish….the dream, I mean.

February52014
darkness-consumed-me:


Some days, I feel everything at onceWhile other days, I feel nothing at allsketch by me | click the pic to enlargesource (Don't remove cred!)

darkness-consumed-me:

Some days, I feel everything at once
While other days, I feel nothing at all
sketch by me | click the pic to enlarge
source
(Don't remove cred!)

2AM

(Source: whenihatelife)

2AM
2AM

(Source: postfeelings)

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